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{ fic } Oh, who am I to say I'm always yours?
The hunter who ran into camp grabbed everyone's attention, and Ellana was no exception. The young man was winded, bent over with hands on his knees as he tried to speak and someone ran to fetch him water. Setting aside the wicker basket she was working on, Ellana stood to come over and see what the commotion was all about. A small part of her was disappointed that it wasn't Atlan who had returned first from the hunt, but this hunter instead. She missed Atlan and wanted to sneak off into the woods with him again to be alone, to hear his sweet words and feel his gentle caresses.
But as she approached, she heard Atlan's name being said and a shiver moved up her spine. Why was he talking about Atlan? She moved closer to hear him say that Atlan was dead, killed by poisonous spiders. The other hunters had tried to slow the spread of the poison, but it moved too quickly and within minutes he was dead. Now the other hunters were carrying him on a litter back to camp.
"Da'len, what's wrong?" Sulahni the halla keeper asked, but Ellana didn't hear her. All the blood had drained from her face and her legs were shaking. And then everything went black for a moment. When she was aware of her surroundings again, she was lying on the ground, with the Keeper and several others calling out to her. This had to be a bad dream, and she had cried out in her sleep, alerting everyone. That was what had happened, right?
"I--I thought someone said Atlan was dead," she said, feeling cold. Keeper Deheune looked grim as she nodded back.
"He is, da'len. Were you close to him?"
Ellana could only stare as the words sunk in. Dead. Gone forever. She drew in a deep breath and then burst into tears, rolling onto her side and curling up into a ball as she wept. Deheune stroked her hair and told the others to leave Ellana with her. The elder woman spoke soothingly, giving words of comfort, though Ellana didn't really hear them. Throughout the rest of camp, word quickly spread of her reaction to the news. No one had had any idea that Ellana had such strong feelings for Atlan. Of course, Atlan had always volunteered to go with Ellana when she went into the woods to gather firewood, but if they were to be bonded, surely they would have told people? It was assumed they were just two young people having fun. It seemed now that things had been far more serious than first assumed.
The hours passed, and by the time Ellana had calmed enough to take normal breaths again, the other hunters returned, carrying Atlan's body on a makeshift litter. She scrambled up off the ground and over to see him; to see that this was all real. Behind those who carried him, another hunter was crying, one Ellana had known growing up. Her name was Atisha. It meant 'peaceful,' but at the moment, she looked anything but. Once Ellana started training in magic and Atisha had started training with the hunters, they really hadn't had occasion to speak. Turning her attention to Atlan, it was hard to believe it was him. He looked like a statue, stiff and still, instead of warm and lively. And he had been so lively. White blond hair, bright blue eyes, and a charming grin that could always change minds and influence people. Her tears started anew and she quickly turned away.
Sulahni returned then and put her arm around her. "Come with me. The halla want to see you." Ellana knew they didn't want to see her in particular, but she was grateful for the intervention before she gave everyone a show. Seeing their looks of pity or quickly whispered words were the last thing she wanted right now. At the halla pen, Ellana fed the animals berries in silence, occasionally wiping her eyes. Sulahni didn't press her to say anything, and Ellana was glad for it. Her heart was broken and she didn't think that could be explained to anyone. Atlan had swept her off her feet. He'd made her feel special and wanted. And when she told him she loved him, he had said it right back. She thought they would have forever together. And it had been exciting, running off into the woods together, keeping their love a secret. He had said that was what he preferred, instead of elders bugging him about when he was going to settle down and have children. She could understand that. They were young and didn't have to rush ahead to be bonded. But now... now that dream for the future was gone.
The next day was hardly any easier. It felt like Ellana wasn't a whole person anymore without him in the world. She went through the motions in lighting the fires, even as others offered to do it for her. Being hearthmistress was all she was good for, and she didn't want that taken from her too. She tried to return to her basket, but it was a futile effort, as she kept getting distracted. She couldn't stop thinking about Atisha's tears. Atlan had never made mention of her, but what if they were great friends? So she set her work aside and went in search of her. It wasn't until she looked to the woods that she spotted Atisha sitting under a tree. Ellana approached and stopped a few feet away.
"Hello. May I sit with you?"
Atisha sighed and gestured beside her. "If you want, but I fear I'm not good company right now."
"That's all right. Neither am I, really." But Ellana sat beside her, wondering how to start.
Atisha beat her to it. "I saw it happen, if you were wondering. It-- the pain only lasted a few minutes, then he was gone." She took a shaky breath, but didn't cry.
"That must have been hard to see. I was wondering... were you two close? Good friends?" It would explain how upset she'd been while the other hunters that had returned from the trip had kept it together.
Letting out a laugh that sounded more like a sob, Atisha answered, "More than that. We were in love."
The word hit Ellana like a smack across the face. That wasn't something that could easily be misinterpreted, could it? And from what she remembered of Atisha growing up, she wasn't given to flights of fancy or living in a fantasy world.
"I-- I don't understand. You... and Atlan. What?" She couldn't process this. Atlan was in love with her. He'd said so, more than once. Atisha turned her head and gave Ellana a confused look. "What? We were in love. We didn't flaunt it in front of everyone, but whenever we went out hunting, we'd slip away to be alone."
Ellana suddenly felt sick, like when she first heard the news of Atlan's death. But this time she didn't black out. "How? He told me he loved me."
Now it was Atisha's turn to look like she was going to be sick. "What? No. That can't be. When did he say this to you?"
"Months ago. Since Cloudreach." And of course Ellana had taken him at his word. Love was so important to her. Why would he say it if he didn't mean it? Atisha swallowed hard. "He told me right after Summerday." That was only a month later. A month and he was declaring his love for someone else? "I didn't know," Atisha said weakly. "I swear, I had no idea. I wouldn't have carried on with him if I had any idea you and he--" She paused, eyes looking very red.
"I don't understand," Ellana said, feeling her own eyes sting. "Why would he do this? Why would he treat us this way?" She felt so lost, like her entire world was upside down. Nothing made sense anymore. If she couldn't trust the man she loved, then what could she trust?
"He was using us," Atisha said firmly, her voice growing cold. "Don't you see? It's why he didn't want anyone in the clan to know and always sneaked off with me. He did that with you too, right?" Ellana nodded, only now realizing how stupid and naive she'd been. It wasn't a romantic gesture to keep between just herself and Atlan; it was a way to keep what he was doing a secret. She stayed silent as Atisha continued on, calling him every name she could. There was fury in her tone and Ellana didn't blame her for it, but she was handling this differently. If Atlan had told Atisha he loved her after he'd told Ellana, than he must have been with Ellana first. If his eye had strayed to Atisha, then why did he stay? Why did he keep telling Ellana he loved her? It would have hurt to have him tell her he wanted to be with someone else, but not as much as this. Not as much as being lied to.
Atlan was selfish. But even though she truly believed that, Ellana couldn't help wondering what was wrong with her. There had to be something that made Atlan's eye roam. There had to be a reason he wanted their relationship kept secret in the first place. Was that all Ellana was good for? To be everyone's shameful little secret? She couldn't attend Arlathvhen because no one could know Clan Ashara had a third mage they wouldn't trade away. She couldn't stray too far from camp or the Templars would find her -- an apostate -- and take her away or kill her. And no one had been allowed to know about her relationship with Atlan because... why? She wasn't good enough? Did she talk too much? Was she too serious? Not serious enough? Ellana wiped at her eyes as they welled over. Atisha was still ranting as all this coursed through Ellana's mind.
"That's it; I'm done with love," Atisha finished. "Absolutely done. If this is how it feels when you realize it was all a lie and you've been used, then forget it."
"Not everyone can be like him," Ellana reasoned. "It hurts, but... but it would hurt worse if I locked my heart away forever." She wasn't made to be cold like that. She couldn't just shut off her feelings or pretend they didn't exist. Mythal represented what Ellana valued over all else and that showed right on her face with her vallaslin. Love, family, and justice for those who had been truly wronged. But how could she and Atisha receive justice for this?
"You do what you must, but I've made up my mind," Atisha said. She looked far more angry than Ellana felt. Instead, she just felt betrayed, hurt, and like she wasn't enough to keep Atlan's interest.
"All right," Ellana said, before rising to her feet. "Someday, I'd like it if we could talk more. About other things. Not him." They may have had a common interest, but that was gone now. Still, she wanted to get to know Atisha for herself.
"Definitely other things. I never want to hear his name again."
Ellana could agree with that. She felt a bone deep pain, and the only way to relieve it was to keep moving forward, day by day. She couldn't say she still loved him after learning all this, nor could she say she still loved the happy memories they'd shared. Everything was tainted now with the knowledge that she hadn't meant nearly as much to him as he'd meant to her. She walked back to the camp and towards the halla pen. Putting a little food in her hand, she began feeding one, recalling how her heart was full of a different kind of pain yesterday. She felt so stupid. He'd given her his pretty words and made her believe she was everything to him. But she was what she'd always been: someone who didn't know where she fit in with everyone else. Ellana felt she was the clan's secret, always to be pushed back into the shadows with nothing to do, nothing to contribute that was worth anything.
Maybe she could leave. Just take off and see the world. She'd travel by night and sleep during the day to hide from Templars. She'd go somewhere that needed her and where she could be wanted by others. She could find a place. She would be safe and happy there. Looking back over the camp, she sighed. She wouldn't go. The Keeper had taken pity on a poor orphan and she couldn't repay her this way. And besides, the Templars would catch her. She was stuck.
The halla she was feeding nudged her shoulder and she turned back, smiling faintly. "You don't need me," she murmured. "You just want someone to feed you." But she reached down for more food anyway, offering it to the hungry halla.
But as she approached, she heard Atlan's name being said and a shiver moved up her spine. Why was he talking about Atlan? She moved closer to hear him say that Atlan was dead, killed by poisonous spiders. The other hunters had tried to slow the spread of the poison, but it moved too quickly and within minutes he was dead. Now the other hunters were carrying him on a litter back to camp.
"Da'len, what's wrong?" Sulahni the halla keeper asked, but Ellana didn't hear her. All the blood had drained from her face and her legs were shaking. And then everything went black for a moment. When she was aware of her surroundings again, she was lying on the ground, with the Keeper and several others calling out to her. This had to be a bad dream, and she had cried out in her sleep, alerting everyone. That was what had happened, right?
"I--I thought someone said Atlan was dead," she said, feeling cold. Keeper Deheune looked grim as she nodded back.
"He is, da'len. Were you close to him?"
Ellana could only stare as the words sunk in. Dead. Gone forever. She drew in a deep breath and then burst into tears, rolling onto her side and curling up into a ball as she wept. Deheune stroked her hair and told the others to leave Ellana with her. The elder woman spoke soothingly, giving words of comfort, though Ellana didn't really hear them. Throughout the rest of camp, word quickly spread of her reaction to the news. No one had had any idea that Ellana had such strong feelings for Atlan. Of course, Atlan had always volunteered to go with Ellana when she went into the woods to gather firewood, but if they were to be bonded, surely they would have told people? It was assumed they were just two young people having fun. It seemed now that things had been far more serious than first assumed.
The hours passed, and by the time Ellana had calmed enough to take normal breaths again, the other hunters returned, carrying Atlan's body on a makeshift litter. She scrambled up off the ground and over to see him; to see that this was all real. Behind those who carried him, another hunter was crying, one Ellana had known growing up. Her name was Atisha. It meant 'peaceful,' but at the moment, she looked anything but. Once Ellana started training in magic and Atisha had started training with the hunters, they really hadn't had occasion to speak. Turning her attention to Atlan, it was hard to believe it was him. He looked like a statue, stiff and still, instead of warm and lively. And he had been so lively. White blond hair, bright blue eyes, and a charming grin that could always change minds and influence people. Her tears started anew and she quickly turned away.
Sulahni returned then and put her arm around her. "Come with me. The halla want to see you." Ellana knew they didn't want to see her in particular, but she was grateful for the intervention before she gave everyone a show. Seeing their looks of pity or quickly whispered words were the last thing she wanted right now. At the halla pen, Ellana fed the animals berries in silence, occasionally wiping her eyes. Sulahni didn't press her to say anything, and Ellana was glad for it. Her heart was broken and she didn't think that could be explained to anyone. Atlan had swept her off her feet. He'd made her feel special and wanted. And when she told him she loved him, he had said it right back. She thought they would have forever together. And it had been exciting, running off into the woods together, keeping their love a secret. He had said that was what he preferred, instead of elders bugging him about when he was going to settle down and have children. She could understand that. They were young and didn't have to rush ahead to be bonded. But now... now that dream for the future was gone.
The next day was hardly any easier. It felt like Ellana wasn't a whole person anymore without him in the world. She went through the motions in lighting the fires, even as others offered to do it for her. Being hearthmistress was all she was good for, and she didn't want that taken from her too. She tried to return to her basket, but it was a futile effort, as she kept getting distracted. She couldn't stop thinking about Atisha's tears. Atlan had never made mention of her, but what if they were great friends? So she set her work aside and went in search of her. It wasn't until she looked to the woods that she spotted Atisha sitting under a tree. Ellana approached and stopped a few feet away.
"Hello. May I sit with you?"
Atisha sighed and gestured beside her. "If you want, but I fear I'm not good company right now."
"That's all right. Neither am I, really." But Ellana sat beside her, wondering how to start.
Atisha beat her to it. "I saw it happen, if you were wondering. It-- the pain only lasted a few minutes, then he was gone." She took a shaky breath, but didn't cry.
"That must have been hard to see. I was wondering... were you two close? Good friends?" It would explain how upset she'd been while the other hunters that had returned from the trip had kept it together.
Letting out a laugh that sounded more like a sob, Atisha answered, "More than that. We were in love."
The word hit Ellana like a smack across the face. That wasn't something that could easily be misinterpreted, could it? And from what she remembered of Atisha growing up, she wasn't given to flights of fancy or living in a fantasy world.
"I-- I don't understand. You... and Atlan. What?" She couldn't process this. Atlan was in love with her. He'd said so, more than once. Atisha turned her head and gave Ellana a confused look. "What? We were in love. We didn't flaunt it in front of everyone, but whenever we went out hunting, we'd slip away to be alone."
Ellana suddenly felt sick, like when she first heard the news of Atlan's death. But this time she didn't black out. "How? He told me he loved me."
Now it was Atisha's turn to look like she was going to be sick. "What? No. That can't be. When did he say this to you?"
"Months ago. Since Cloudreach." And of course Ellana had taken him at his word. Love was so important to her. Why would he say it if he didn't mean it? Atisha swallowed hard. "He told me right after Summerday." That was only a month later. A month and he was declaring his love for someone else? "I didn't know," Atisha said weakly. "I swear, I had no idea. I wouldn't have carried on with him if I had any idea you and he--" She paused, eyes looking very red.
"I don't understand," Ellana said, feeling her own eyes sting. "Why would he do this? Why would he treat us this way?" She felt so lost, like her entire world was upside down. Nothing made sense anymore. If she couldn't trust the man she loved, then what could she trust?
"He was using us," Atisha said firmly, her voice growing cold. "Don't you see? It's why he didn't want anyone in the clan to know and always sneaked off with me. He did that with you too, right?" Ellana nodded, only now realizing how stupid and naive she'd been. It wasn't a romantic gesture to keep between just herself and Atlan; it was a way to keep what he was doing a secret. She stayed silent as Atisha continued on, calling him every name she could. There was fury in her tone and Ellana didn't blame her for it, but she was handling this differently. If Atlan had told Atisha he loved her after he'd told Ellana, than he must have been with Ellana first. If his eye had strayed to Atisha, then why did he stay? Why did he keep telling Ellana he loved her? It would have hurt to have him tell her he wanted to be with someone else, but not as much as this. Not as much as being lied to.
Atlan was selfish. But even though she truly believed that, Ellana couldn't help wondering what was wrong with her. There had to be something that made Atlan's eye roam. There had to be a reason he wanted their relationship kept secret in the first place. Was that all Ellana was good for? To be everyone's shameful little secret? She couldn't attend Arlathvhen because no one could know Clan Ashara had a third mage they wouldn't trade away. She couldn't stray too far from camp or the Templars would find her -- an apostate -- and take her away or kill her. And no one had been allowed to know about her relationship with Atlan because... why? She wasn't good enough? Did she talk too much? Was she too serious? Not serious enough? Ellana wiped at her eyes as they welled over. Atisha was still ranting as all this coursed through Ellana's mind.
"That's it; I'm done with love," Atisha finished. "Absolutely done. If this is how it feels when you realize it was all a lie and you've been used, then forget it."
"Not everyone can be like him," Ellana reasoned. "It hurts, but... but it would hurt worse if I locked my heart away forever." She wasn't made to be cold like that. She couldn't just shut off her feelings or pretend they didn't exist. Mythal represented what Ellana valued over all else and that showed right on her face with her vallaslin. Love, family, and justice for those who had been truly wronged. But how could she and Atisha receive justice for this?
"You do what you must, but I've made up my mind," Atisha said. She looked far more angry than Ellana felt. Instead, she just felt betrayed, hurt, and like she wasn't enough to keep Atlan's interest.
"All right," Ellana said, before rising to her feet. "Someday, I'd like it if we could talk more. About other things. Not him." They may have had a common interest, but that was gone now. Still, she wanted to get to know Atisha for herself.
"Definitely other things. I never want to hear his name again."
Ellana could agree with that. She felt a bone deep pain, and the only way to relieve it was to keep moving forward, day by day. She couldn't say she still loved him after learning all this, nor could she say she still loved the happy memories they'd shared. Everything was tainted now with the knowledge that she hadn't meant nearly as much to him as he'd meant to her. She walked back to the camp and towards the halla pen. Putting a little food in her hand, she began feeding one, recalling how her heart was full of a different kind of pain yesterday. She felt so stupid. He'd given her his pretty words and made her believe she was everything to him. But she was what she'd always been: someone who didn't know where she fit in with everyone else. Ellana felt she was the clan's secret, always to be pushed back into the shadows with nothing to do, nothing to contribute that was worth anything.
Maybe she could leave. Just take off and see the world. She'd travel by night and sleep during the day to hide from Templars. She'd go somewhere that needed her and where she could be wanted by others. She could find a place. She would be safe and happy there. Looking back over the camp, she sighed. She wouldn't go. The Keeper had taken pity on a poor orphan and she couldn't repay her this way. And besides, the Templars would catch her. She was stuck.
The halla she was feeding nudged her shoulder and she turned back, smiling faintly. "You don't need me," she murmured. "You just want someone to feed you." But she reached down for more food anyway, offering it to the hungry halla.