I wish I could say 'nothing much' but-- this is important so, I'll be honest.
The clan. And... The future. And you. If you don't want to, this isn't some official thing. But I need to-- I want to know, even though it's all likely none of my business.
That's why I came back. I guess I never really told anyone I just. Hoped you would all...
[He'd gone home just long enough to turn his life on its back and leave it there, kicking helplessly like a stranded turtle. He could barely approach the topic sideways in conversation, most days, and coming out to say what had been happening with him.... that had been too intimidating.]
I couldn't... I didn't... It's...This isn't really what I meant to say.
Of course Beleth knows! [Beleth always knows. Beleth took one look at him and immediately knew everything.] And... The Ke-- Mother. And probably the whole clan.
[There is a pause.]
Please. 'How I've pretty well destroyed my life' isn't exactly what I wanted to talk about, today. Or ever.
Well I didn't know. You said you never told anyone. How am I supposed to interpret that?
[ Words mean things, Sorrel. Dear Creators. ]
No use talking about it if it isn't destroyed yet. That's the sort of thing you look back at years later and decide. Not while you're in the thick of things.
[Sorrel takes a deep breath and drags both hands down his face, muttering invectives under his breath to the effect of, this is why i should never be in charge of talking about anything. Alright, he'll try it again.]
Ellana. When I arrived in Kirkwall, the first time. [The time when he was still a good devout Dalish boy, doing what he was supposed to.] You never actually came out and said hello. You didn't come to the joining, you and I didn't exchange so much as a word the whole time Sina was sick, or...
[he falters]
...Or after.
[Deep breath.]
I wasn't angry, and I don't have a right to question it. You stepped away from the clan, which meant from me too, and that's your right. But now I'm thinking... I have a plan, and I need to know if you still consider yourself Dalish, if you still want that? Or, if stepping away is still your choice.
Because if so, then we can just forget all this, and go on the way we have and just be... People who come from the same place, I guess. I just want to understand. You know what year it is, don't you?
Did you honestly expect me to come forward and act like nothing had happened? I stood back and waited for you -- any of you -- to come to me. To show you still considered me a person worth knowing. I wasn't going to shove myself in your faces and demand recognition. I respected that you might not want to associate with a former Dalish. And then you became leader of the Elven Artifacts project so I figured I'd let you know I was a part of it. And still... this is the first you've reached out to me.
[ She pauses, wondering if she should have risked that step forward. She didn't want to be rejected, but maybe she should have been braver. ]
No, I'm not Dalish. I'm an elf, and I can help all elves far more by being out here doing what I'm doing that staying in a clan. I wrote a book, you know. No, wait, I guess you wouldn't know. It's about my journey to recover the Sulevin Blade, and it's just been published. A book elves can read written by another elf. That's how I'm going to help us move forward, Sorrel. I'm going to help all elves, but I'm not going to do it as a Dalish one.
[ She takes a breath and realizes that this is first Dalish elf she's really told her plans to in full. She's told city elves, Rifters, dwarves, and qunari about her plans, but never one of the Dalish. Has she been holding back because she hasn't wanted to hear their judgment? ]
It's-- it's Arlathvhen again, isn't it? That your mother kept me from. [ A year ago? Even six months ago? There would have been bitterness in her voice when saying that. But now she's achieved some sort of clarity. ] And for that, I'm thankful. I wouldn't be the person I am today if I attended and was traded to another clan.
I'm sorry if my dying wife distracted me from my social obligations.
[He says it without thinking, dry and bitter in the face of Ellana's triumphant ambivalence. If that's the way it is, then there's no fighting it; it can't be helped.]
I did know about the book. It was in your report, remember? The Cursed Blade. Not that I've been able to read it.
[Sorrel is quiet for a long few breaths.]
Well. I won't bother you any more. I can see that you know what you're doing, and you don't need, or want, my help. Ma serannas, Ellana.
[ There's a sharp inhale of breath, then she replies without thinking, same as him. ]
Fuck you.
[ She's shocked herself that she's said it, but it's out there now and she won't apologize for it, because seriously, fuck him. ]
I grieved her in my own way. I prayed to the Creators to look after her soul. You don't get to throw that in my face like I've done something wrong here. You're just like your sister, you know. Always has to be right; always has to get in the last word to show how high and mighty you are. No, I don't want or need your help. And if you don't stop separating elves into Dalish or not, no elves need your help either. And guess what? I get the last word this time. Dirthara-ma.
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The clan. And... The future. And you. If you don't want to, this isn't some official thing. But I need to-- I want to know, even though it's all likely none of my business.
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[ He just kind of... said a string of words and not in the form of a question. ]
I've left the clan. I thought you knew that.
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[She asked him what about, and he-- Alright, Sorrel could have thought this out better ahead of time.]
I-- [He still can't quite say it: I did too.] Did you know, that Beleth is the only one who hasn't, really?
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Yes, I knew that.
...Wait. Are you not including yourself in that or have you left too?
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[He'd gone home just long enough to turn his life on its back and leave it there, kicking helplessly like a stranded turtle. He could barely approach the topic sideways in conversation, most days, and coming out to say what had been happening with him.... that had been too intimidating.]
I couldn't... I didn't... It's...This isn't really what I meant to say.
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[ There's a pause as she wonders just what to say. Perhaps he just wants to get this off his chest, or wants advice; she can't guess. ]
Would you like to start over, or are we too deep in the conversation now?
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[There is a pause.]
Please. 'How I've pretty well destroyed my life' isn't exactly what I wanted to talk about, today. Or ever.
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[ Words mean things, Sorrel. Dear Creators. ]
No use talking about it if it isn't destroyed yet. That's the sort of thing you look back at years later and decide. Not while you're in the thick of things.
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[Sorrel takes a deep breath and drags both hands down his face, muttering invectives under his breath to the effect of, this is why i should never be in charge of talking about anything. Alright, he'll try it again.]
Ellana. When I arrived in Kirkwall, the first time. [The time when he was still a good devout Dalish boy, doing what he was supposed to.] You never actually came out and said hello. You didn't come to the joining, you and I didn't exchange so much as a word the whole time Sina was sick, or...
[he falters]
...Or after.
[Deep breath.]
I wasn't angry, and I don't have a right to question it. You stepped away from the clan, which meant from me too, and that's your right. But now I'm thinking... I have a plan, and I need to know if you still consider yourself Dalish, if you still want that? Or, if stepping away is still your choice.
Because if so, then we can just forget all this, and go on the way we have and just be... People who come from the same place, I guess. I just want to understand. You know what year it is, don't you?
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[ She pauses, wondering if she should have risked that step forward. She didn't want to be rejected, but maybe she should have been braver. ]
No, I'm not Dalish. I'm an elf, and I can help all elves far more by being out here doing what I'm doing that staying in a clan. I wrote a book, you know. No, wait, I guess you wouldn't know. It's about my journey to recover the Sulevin Blade, and it's just been published. A book elves can read written by another elf. That's how I'm going to help us move forward, Sorrel. I'm going to help all elves, but I'm not going to do it as a Dalish one.
[ She takes a breath and realizes that this is first Dalish elf she's really told her plans to in full. She's told city elves, Rifters, dwarves, and qunari about her plans, but never one of the Dalish. Has she been holding back because she hasn't wanted to hear their judgment? ]
It's-- it's Arlathvhen again, isn't it? That your mother kept me from. [ A year ago? Even six months ago? There would have been bitterness in her voice when saying that. But now she's achieved some sort of clarity. ] And for that, I'm thankful. I wouldn't be the person I am today if I attended and was traded to another clan.
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[He says it without thinking, dry and bitter in the face of Ellana's triumphant ambivalence. If that's the way it is, then there's no fighting it; it can't be helped.]
I did know about the book. It was in your report, remember? The Cursed Blade. Not that I've been able to read it.
[Sorrel is quiet for a long few breaths.]
Well. I won't bother you any more. I can see that you know what you're doing, and you don't need, or want, my help. Ma serannas, Ellana.
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Fuck you.
[ She's shocked herself that she's said it, but it's out there now and she won't apologize for it, because seriously, fuck him. ]
I grieved her in my own way. I prayed to the Creators to look after her soul. You don't get to throw that in my face like I've done something wrong here. You're just like your sister, you know. Always has to be right; always has to get in the last word to show how high and mighty you are. No, I don't want or need your help. And if you don't stop separating elves into Dalish or not, no elves need your help either. And guess what? I get the last word this time. Dirthara-ma.
[ And with that, she turns off her crystal. ]